brakes or mangled mess?

Often times what I write to you has been written (some form of it) in my journal but today is a little different. I’m writing word for word (99% at least) of what was in my journal. For no reason other than I feel like I’m supposed to peel back the pages and give you a peek…italics indicates journal words…do you have your grace goggles on?? Cause I need you to be wearing them before you read!!

I don’t want to sit here and just be. It’s been 3-4 hours of not wanting to just be. I’ve done so many It’s Oily Business things!! Phew my mind is SPINNING. So fast, so fast. 

We have headshots for StriivOn tomorrow. There’s Christmas coming. So many presents to wrap. And business has me excited today 🙂 And Alma coming… yay! And cookies with Stephanie and maybe Chitra coming up here. And being sick. Am I hungry? Yeah, I’m also hungry. And want an excuse to just watch TV and eat crackers. I need to put oils in my diffuser. I need to take vitamins and shut the blinds because the glare is bad. GLARE! What if my Amazon packages came in and… let me go check. NO. SIT. BE. Just breathe. My whole body is tingling… I DON’T WANNA. 

I don’t wanna sit. I don’t wanna BE. I just want to do. Because DO-ing makes me feel good. Sitting is HARD. But not sitting is how we got into this mess…taking antibiotics and sitting A LOT yesterday. Hurting real bad yesterday. Not sitting is how I got an infection. DO-ing made me sick. I said today I had to sit. TO BE. 

Lord, you are why I sit. You are why I can just be. I don’t want to be here and I am sorry. I’m sorry I feel that way. I’m sorry I’m not excited to be/sit with you. You’re in control. My actions show how much I think I’m in control. HA! What a joke. I think about Christmas and my expectations and ideals creep up. Everything slows down and family time… awwww. I will sit and visit and tell stories with my people and hold them close. 

But will I?

Will I really sit and BE with them if I can’t do that now when it’s just you and me? How will I BE then if I can’t BE now? I can’t and I won’t. History tells me that. I’ll get to family functions with this ideal and dream of just BE-ing with my people and I won’t be able to. The same intensity of head spinning will happen then the way it’s happening now. Why? Because that’s the way spinning works. Once things are spinning it takes time to slow down or there will be a CRASH. There most definitely will be a crash and crashes aren’t pretty. My past crashes have been a combo of booze and bad attitudes. 

Booze if it’s available, bad attitude if it’s not.

We’re growing. The past few Christmases haven’t been so gnarly…dare I say last year was even PLEASANT. But this year won’t be any different if I don’t choose difference and that happens now, on December 19th, not the day I walk into family time. If I don’t want the crash, the lonely in a group of people feelings, the booze or bad attitude not pretty crash… I must start slowing my head wheel down now. Yes. Slow it down. And that requires forcing myself to BE now so I can BE then. 

It’s 3:13. We’ve been at it 16 minutes. That’s progress, just BE a bit more… 

“To take care of your soul you must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.” — Dallas Willard

Deep breath. Eliminate hurry. Practice intentionally. Breathe. This is hard. 

This isn’t easy but we can do hard things. 

In and out. In and out. In and out. 

Four Christmases ago I decided I didn’t want to be the same at (age) 35 I was at 25. I wanted to be different. I made some huge decisions, huge changes and I started living differently. One of those big things I started doing was actually not DO-ing but BE-ing. I’ve practiced BE-ing for 4 years and still struggle. Still it’s hard. Still it’s PRACTICE. An effort. And art. It’s hard as shit. 

Forgive my French but there isn’t another way to describe it. 

**I break here from the journal copying to set up this story in the Bible or the next part won’t make a lick of sense. Luke 21:1-4 is titled the “Widow’s Offering”. Jesus is watching the rich folks come in and bring their offerings and he also saw a widow put in two small copper coins. SO LITTLE compared to what all the rich-o folks were putting in. How great are they for putting so much in the offering box? But Jesus makes note of how great the widow is for giving so little because it was ALL she had. Okay, continuing on in the journal…**

Luke 21:4 For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on. 

I don’t think Jesus needs hours upon hours of my time. I think He needs me to give out of my poverty…give all I have and do so with a pure heart knowing He’s in control. When my head is spinning, even after 4 years and a hell of a lot of practice, it’s still SO HARD to slow it down. So hard. 

As much as I know I have a blog post and am ready to type, I even went to grab my computer, but when I sat back down I’m convicted by You…I’m convicted that my BE-ing doesn’t involve blogging. My activator strength needs to calm the heck down. I committed to staying here until 3:57 so in fact, that is what I will do. 30 more mins. UGH. Haha! The fact that I don’t want to do it very much means I HAVE to do it.

My soul depends on it.

My sanity depends on it.

My Christmas happiness depends on it!!

And so I sat until 3:57. Well, sort of. I first got my diffuser going with a little Sacred Frankincense. IMG_8171I finished Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness book (OMG SO GOOD!!), had some prayer and Psalm reading time. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t necessarily fun, but I slowed my roll and it was baby steps in the right direction of applying the brakes.

The image I was thinking in my head when I wrote “crash” was this… (crash test dummy in drivers seat, NOT human, thank goodness!)


When my brain spins the way it was spinning today, like this car going 120 mph, there isn’t a pretty end to the scene. The red and white wall pictured above in the real world, is, in my head spinning world, CHRISTMAS. Or any holiday for that matter. This year I’m being intentional, recognizing my mind (car) is in warp speed (120 mph) and I’m going to start applying the brakes today, December 19th.

There will be things that won’t get done. There will be gifts that won’t be wrapped all pretty and possibly not bought at all. There will be business things that get missed and chores that aren’t completed. But I’m committed to applying the brakes. Because when I get to that red and white wall (Christmas), I want to see it, appreciate it, cherish it for what it is, instead of finding myself in a booze guzzling/bad attitude having mangled mess.

xoxo, va

One thought on “brakes or mangled mess?

  1. Pingback: worth the celebration | Following the Fortunatos

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